I often find myself saying I do not care - what it means actually needs some explanation.
It surely does not mean that I do not care for some person or persons - I am a downright altruist though altruism has always let me down, in a way, throughout the whole life - but still I cannot give up. Such a person cannot help caring for people around themselves - no way: I am kind of pathologically altruistic. But this very altruism of mine backfired.
What I actually mean to say is that I do not care how much they hurt me. However much I bleed, I cannot help keep caring for others.
At the same time, I am an anankastic person - which means who is a bit too infatuated with perfection, for my case - perfectly wholesome life for all. I see everywhere people who grow old but do not grow up throughout their life. That is just the opposite of what I think is a wholesome life. That gives me a lot of pain in various ways. I do not find it worthwhile to be with such people as they always look for a prop in me to be bolstered by; I find such a life so boring - as if it is like struggling in a sea while I am being dragged to the bottom. This makes me desperate with a desire to bring changes around.
These things together get me pushing my limits towards making things better as far as possible.
The whole make up of mine - out of a combination of such traits and feelings, and which have a really powerful quality about them, make me look like a person who is feisty and a highbrow to the weaklings, who are not used to and afraid of the depth of things. Depths make them feel out of breath, claustrophobic at least. They are afraid of the never ending infinite abyss that can be seen only when one is very watchful or in a soup. In fact I have both the predicaments - I cannot help being watchful and my tendency to push the limits always keep frustrating me and gives me the feeling of being in a soup.
Some hard introspection, of late, tells me that (perhaps) my relentless expectations from and the indefatigable hope of those expectations coming true, generates that drive within me which makes me push myself to my limits of persistently keeping telling to others that they should put their best efforts towards changing the courses of their lives towards that lofty ideal of mine, of wholesome life, which many around me do not live - and manifestation of that humongous spirit makes me looking like a monster to be kept at arms length.
I tried to reveal the reality that everyone needs to be let walk forward after a certain phase of life to have the confidence in themselves which works as a springboard for a successful start in a "wholesome" adult life and that made me a dubious person.
All these things have made me a lone wolf. However hard I try to make myself to look and feel like a friendly amicable person to all around me, my expectations, as they are persistent, keep showing up from time to time; and as they are of the scale of my being, they appear to be humongous and threatening to others as if they would be buried under such undertakings if they are to go by what I say and expect from them. May be my straight forward artless display and analysis of my capabilities are kind of off-putting to most people as well. All of it must be sounding like humbug.
But I have known throughout my life that one can be independent and have been always ready to go full throttle to the extent of accompanying others to that end. I never have tried to hide it and kept insisting that everyone can be as independent like me.
But as psychologist Eric Fromm has declared it long back, people are afraid of freedom. The very possibility of being so totally free makes their spirit diminutive. And that fear, I have happened to elicit within people, have made me unpopular in a very aversive way.
But, as stated in the beginning, I really do not care and would keep trying to find out new ways to help people accomplish a "wholesome" life.
A closer look shows me that I have been trying to do a lot of hand holding just the same as most of others. Everyone tries to help others and often makes quite an officious person of oneself that way - which is beyond any doubt, very repulsive. It is kind of trespassing - and an animated trespasser like me is a threat. That is what has always gone wrong about me.
This time I am going to change it and make an about turn. I will intervene only when I am asked for and when it is really called for. This time I hope the world will be able to make it out of their own.
I am badass - and lo, here I go again and this time as well, I do not care.
