May be this day will later be recalled as a turning point in my life; I have a strain of realisation that so far I have been too much in the idea that I would some time be able to bring a big change in the way of life of the human species, especially mental aspects of life and the basic intellectual ways, and that too would happen very much in my lifetime. My inspirations were the intellectual legends like Goutama Buddha, Jesus Christ, Mohammed and the contemporaries like Rabindranath Tagore. I am a big fan of Jiddu Krishnamurti - I have always felt him to be very near and close to me though he passed away even before I came to know his name.
I used to look at this idea as a very important project of mine and would act and work accordingly as meticulously and thoroughly as possible. The idea was very compelling. It used to be my passion and turned to an obsession. It seems so far I have lived for this idea.
A strange confidence, almost audacious in nature would drive me to make it a point whenever I talked to anybody and whoever it might be, that we are only just a little short of being absolutely efficient and perfect as clockwork and the gap can be very easily bridged if we are just a little more aware to the present moment all the time and be a little open and sensitive to whatever is going on around us; and that is achievable by everyone if we are a wee bit more conscious about our actions - that is we are conscious about our will and we are really exercising that conscious will.
Now, I am about to be on the wrong side of fifty within a year or so. I have long been striving for this grand cause, to see the success of this project of mine - to create a revolution of human consciousness, if not worldwide, at least around myself, concerning my people - for decades together. It has not happened yet.
But my energy is on the wane and so far I have not been able to create any serious ripple that might be helpful towards success of the project.
Under such circumstances I couldn't help take a break and reflect upon the activities and events involving myself and others. It came back to me that I am actually trying to change or eliminate some reality which does not need me as a prop to be there and it actually does not bother the least about my existence or my likes and dislikes or fancies.
Philosophical debates remain about the concept and nature of reality. But as long as we live, in bare existential sense, what we all do when we eat, sleep wake up and the like, is just taking part in a reality, which is larger than each of us and, at least apparently, almost same for all of us and is independent of any particular being like me or someone else. I can, theoretically, at most make some changes in some parts of this reality which concerns me, but that calls for a unique situation of concurrency of more than one factors some of which are actually quite well beyond my control. A very glaring example of which is the dispositions of people around me. I cannot change that at my will as long as it does not change from its centre or centres, which is the inner world of other people which I cannot reach physically. So at least for some cases I need to align myself with reality so as to save myself from getting bruised and in extreme cases ceasing to exist - keep in mind we are talking about the day to day existence in which we do things so that we can fall asleep when we feel like and wake up again.
I am quite able to do the way I persuade others to act and actually that has been my way of life. I have developed that keen sense along with my conviction to my view of the way to a better social existence, which have even gained me a special status among the people around me: family and people at work. I can sense their honesty when they tell me that I am not like others and what I say is very much an ideal thing. Some show me kind of reverence in one to one situations in a very plain manner. But all theses things have so far made me ask myself and at times others also: so what? What about you? What are you going to do then? There would either be no answer than silence or there would be kind of lame and faulty explanation of why such things are impractical to go for. Quite often I have had kind of run-in with my family and other people regarding this matter; I could not absorb the fact that people shirk their part in making life good. In the process I have become known as a brusqe polemic character without following. I am looked after as something out of the world, kind of moron. One thing has become very certain out of all these - I am not going to have any success in my project, however hard I work, simply because I do not know yet how to transgress reality.
But it is having its toll on me. All my waking moments I keep firing all cylinders towards my object - but like a mirage it remains where it has been so far. This realisation gave me a feeling of being in a desert all alone. I felt like giving up the futile efforts.
This leads me to draw a couple of inferences from the proceedings: first - I, as a mind, kind of, do not belong to this time and ofcourse not to the place where I happen to be. This makes me an alien to the life of my place, as a stream of events - just a little disturbance which this system of human species somehow manages to keep at bay, and hence need not bother about or feel any need to change its ways due to my efforts - though these efforts cost me a lot of mental energy and life force and drains me a lot.
And secondly, lately I have been draining fast. I feel burnt out with frustration mounting up in a big way; it is eating me. It is an ignominious feeling which tends to tell me that I am done - in every manner. I cannot even being able to sit a few minutes still - my brain is on overdrive. It prattles all the time - and through incessant imaginary conversations tries to establish some fundamental standards basing on which life can be made as just as possible and as healthy as possible.
There is no only single way of the business of life. Things keep happening. As Alan Watts put it in one of his talks, everyone is playing. The rules are flexible. Compulsion arises out of perspective, not being in a good vantage point. If we are too discontented for the reason of being able to see less we become anxious and in turn jittery. A close look towards life in general seems to give an idea that we expect to get rid of this anxiety which we apprehend to come up every next moment; our activities are all in some way or other directed to reach that state where we can overcome this anxiety.
The most important single parameter that can be monitored for understanding the healthiness of the mental aspects of one's life is one's being in conscious touch with one's own will and dispositions. Conscious will has its cognitive role towards managing dispositions. And conscious will always go for one single thing - that is the stability of being in the meniscus, which spares one's mind of stress. I have long been missing this feeling of stability - as if I have been doing like a cliffhanger for eternity. It occurred to me that I have been longing for an end to the anxiety created by the hiatus between the progress in my dream project and reality. This brought within me an urge for immediate reclamation of whatever of life I have within me. I want back the small palpable satisfactions that I may have by exercising the skills I have. I am actually a polymath. I can be creative in widely variable ways - through languages, through lines i.e. drwaing and painting, abstract thoughts pertaining to the philosophical realms, exploring the labyrinth of minds along with psychology. I can entertain myself anytime with chess, I am not all too bad in vocal music, I can successfully try my hands is sculptures - there are enormous possibilities to live life to its full. A superbly eclectic mind such as mine cannot remain restrained in any groove. My spherically divergent aptitudes keep me revving.
The overdrive at times get the better of me - I start living in the edge: may be even off the edge. But then, the Me within me comes back like phoenix time and again. So far no abyss has been enough for me - I am never totally engulfed by anything, not even deterred from getting along with living for too long, as long as the body which is required to be designated as a living being, in the colloquial sense, does not fail the whole entity called me.
I used to look at this idea as a very important project of mine and would act and work accordingly as meticulously and thoroughly as possible. The idea was very compelling. It used to be my passion and turned to an obsession. It seems so far I have lived for this idea.
A strange confidence, almost audacious in nature would drive me to make it a point whenever I talked to anybody and whoever it might be, that we are only just a little short of being absolutely efficient and perfect as clockwork and the gap can be very easily bridged if we are just a little more aware to the present moment all the time and be a little open and sensitive to whatever is going on around us; and that is achievable by everyone if we are a wee bit more conscious about our actions - that is we are conscious about our will and we are really exercising that conscious will.
Now, I am about to be on the wrong side of fifty within a year or so. I have long been striving for this grand cause, to see the success of this project of mine - to create a revolution of human consciousness, if not worldwide, at least around myself, concerning my people - for decades together. It has not happened yet.
But my energy is on the wane and so far I have not been able to create any serious ripple that might be helpful towards success of the project.
Under such circumstances I couldn't help take a break and reflect upon the activities and events involving myself and others. It came back to me that I am actually trying to change or eliminate some reality which does not need me as a prop to be there and it actually does not bother the least about my existence or my likes and dislikes or fancies.
Philosophical debates remain about the concept and nature of reality. But as long as we live, in bare existential sense, what we all do when we eat, sleep wake up and the like, is just taking part in a reality, which is larger than each of us and, at least apparently, almost same for all of us and is independent of any particular being like me or someone else. I can, theoretically, at most make some changes in some parts of this reality which concerns me, but that calls for a unique situation of concurrency of more than one factors some of which are actually quite well beyond my control. A very glaring example of which is the dispositions of people around me. I cannot change that at my will as long as it does not change from its centre or centres, which is the inner world of other people which I cannot reach physically. So at least for some cases I need to align myself with reality so as to save myself from getting bruised and in extreme cases ceasing to exist - keep in mind we are talking about the day to day existence in which we do things so that we can fall asleep when we feel like and wake up again.
I am quite able to do the way I persuade others to act and actually that has been my way of life. I have developed that keen sense along with my conviction to my view of the way to a better social existence, which have even gained me a special status among the people around me: family and people at work. I can sense their honesty when they tell me that I am not like others and what I say is very much an ideal thing. Some show me kind of reverence in one to one situations in a very plain manner. But all theses things have so far made me ask myself and at times others also: so what? What about you? What are you going to do then? There would either be no answer than silence or there would be kind of lame and faulty explanation of why such things are impractical to go for. Quite often I have had kind of run-in with my family and other people regarding this matter; I could not absorb the fact that people shirk their part in making life good. In the process I have become known as a brusqe polemic character without following. I am looked after as something out of the world, kind of moron. One thing has become very certain out of all these - I am not going to have any success in my project, however hard I work, simply because I do not know yet how to transgress reality.
But it is having its toll on me. All my waking moments I keep firing all cylinders towards my object - but like a mirage it remains where it has been so far. This realisation gave me a feeling of being in a desert all alone. I felt like giving up the futile efforts.
This leads me to draw a couple of inferences from the proceedings: first - I, as a mind, kind of, do not belong to this time and ofcourse not to the place where I happen to be. This makes me an alien to the life of my place, as a stream of events - just a little disturbance which this system of human species somehow manages to keep at bay, and hence need not bother about or feel any need to change its ways due to my efforts - though these efforts cost me a lot of mental energy and life force and drains me a lot.
And secondly, lately I have been draining fast. I feel burnt out with frustration mounting up in a big way; it is eating me. It is an ignominious feeling which tends to tell me that I am done - in every manner. I cannot even being able to sit a few minutes still - my brain is on overdrive. It prattles all the time - and through incessant imaginary conversations tries to establish some fundamental standards basing on which life can be made as just as possible and as healthy as possible.
There is no only single way of the business of life. Things keep happening. As Alan Watts put it in one of his talks, everyone is playing. The rules are flexible. Compulsion arises out of perspective, not being in a good vantage point. If we are too discontented for the reason of being able to see less we become anxious and in turn jittery. A close look towards life in general seems to give an idea that we expect to get rid of this anxiety which we apprehend to come up every next moment; our activities are all in some way or other directed to reach that state where we can overcome this anxiety.
The most important single parameter that can be monitored for understanding the healthiness of the mental aspects of one's life is one's being in conscious touch with one's own will and dispositions. Conscious will has its cognitive role towards managing dispositions. And conscious will always go for one single thing - that is the stability of being in the meniscus, which spares one's mind of stress. I have long been missing this feeling of stability - as if I have been doing like a cliffhanger for eternity. It occurred to me that I have been longing for an end to the anxiety created by the hiatus between the progress in my dream project and reality. This brought within me an urge for immediate reclamation of whatever of life I have within me. I want back the small palpable satisfactions that I may have by exercising the skills I have. I am actually a polymath. I can be creative in widely variable ways - through languages, through lines i.e. drwaing and painting, abstract thoughts pertaining to the philosophical realms, exploring the labyrinth of minds along with psychology. I can entertain myself anytime with chess, I am not all too bad in vocal music, I can successfully try my hands is sculptures - there are enormous possibilities to live life to its full. A superbly eclectic mind such as mine cannot remain restrained in any groove. My spherically divergent aptitudes keep me revving.
The overdrive at times get the better of me - I start living in the edge: may be even off the edge. But then, the Me within me comes back like phoenix time and again. So far no abyss has been enough for me - I am never totally engulfed by anything, not even deterred from getting along with living for too long, as long as the body which is required to be designated as a living being, in the colloquial sense, does not fail the whole entity called me.
